Courageous

Inspired by a film I watched tonight called "The Help", there is a need deep inside me to share a reflection I felt during the incredibly moving song at the end. The song that played during the credits, is called "I am the living proof" by Mary J. Blige. Yes, I am fully aware that I am neither black nor a former slave. However, in the truest definition of the word...I just may have been, and never really known it at the time. Here are some lyrics with a reflection of what I was thinking during this movie and the song as well. It's gonna be a long, long journey It's gonna be an uphill climb It's gonna be a tough fight There's gonna be some lonely nights. Going into a divorce was the scariest journey I ever had to embark on. The main reason it was so scary was because I knew he would try to take every opportunity to throw some proverbial punches at me as he legally could. He called me everyday to tell me that he was going to take the kids for every other weekend. He would tell me there was nothing I could do to stop him. When I didn't answer, he would leave me messages in my voicemail about the same detailed threats. Yes, an uphill battle it was...and as many times as I fell to my knees weak, and crying in near defeat...I had an army of people, family, friends picking me back up again. I never felt alone, I never felt like I was completely defeated. I am strong...I am stronger than just me. Standing alone, I am like a fine thread...easy to break and fragile. Yet when intertwined with many threads, the bond is near unbreakable. I fought for my kids, I fought to protect them from his lies, his manipulative and vengeful spirit. I have done everything in my power to shelter them from the pain he so joyfully inflicted on me for over a decade. More than a decade of lying, cheating, stealing and downright abuse of various forms. The lonely nights are the worst part of getting a divorce. Even when things weren't great in the marriage, there was still someone to talk to...even if he never listened. The post-bedtime silence was at first peaceful and calming. Then it became unnerving and scary. A lonely house full of noises I had never heard before, and night time thoughts of what might happen in regards to our children..we're driving me mad. I began to think up scenarios that could happen, in my over worrisome mind. My children are my world, and yes...I worry about them while they are away from me. Nighttime became a time of stress, anxiety and restless nights. But I'm ready to carry on I'm so glad the worst is over Cause it almost took me down I can start living now. I do feel ready to move on from where I used to be. The children are getting older, they are able to articulate their wants, needs, and if they feel safe or not. It is still difficult, but I do not feel as afraid as I used to. Is the worst really over? Who really knows? I suppose it depends on your definition of worse. Things really can always be worse...so I am in the practice of not ever saying that things could be worse when things are going well. Almost as certain as the sun rises in the east, things will get worse. It is all about perspective. The divorce and the battle that insued afterwards DID almost tear me down. I am a very different person now than I ever was four years ago. I am so much better for having gone through it too! I used to feel anxious about going home while I was married...and today I feel like my heart really is home. The multiple affairs were God's way of telling me that I was not happy and that I did indeed deserve better...I deserved to be truly happy. I don't believe I made a mistake in marrying him. God meant for us to get married and have our two children...the world is a better place because of them. But now that the worst is over...I can start living now...and so may my children. This...this makes my heart soar above the heavens. I feel like I can do anything And finally I'm not afraid to breathe Anything you say to me And everything you do You can't deny the truth. Cause I'm the living proof. So many don't survive cause They just don't make it through But look at me I'm the living proof Oh yes I am! Took a while to learn how to smile So now I'm gonna talk to my people about the storm So glad the worst is over. I can start flying now My best days are right in front of me Yes I am almost there Cause now I am free I know where I am going Cause I know where I've been I gotta feel strong and show it I will stay strong and keep growing That's the way I win Nothing about my life's been easy Nothing's gonna keep me down Because I know a lot more today Than I knew yesterday So I'm ready to carry on.