How the *beep* did I get here?
At exactly what point is it that we allow society to have a say in how we feel about ourselves? At what point do we allow doubt and anxiety to settle into the cavities of our minds and reside as if they belong there? This week was a trying one for me personally. On so many different levels...so I won't lie to you.
The week started off on a natural high like no other. I won't divulge any details because it is private still. In time, more details will modestly be provided...but for now, just know that Monday was not a typical one. It was the best day of last week.
As the week progressed, and my hunt for an apartment labored on, things began to go from bad, to worse, to pathetic. On top of the hunt for a home...I was highly insulted by a person I have been very close to for a very long time.
So as I have been hunting for a nice place to hang our hats, I have seen quite a bit more than I care to, and I have heard some pretty sketchy remarks about these different places. One house I visited, I could hear the music from two floors down blaring loud enough to reach the third floor. The landlord stated "It's not normally like this." I thought...yeah, cause YOU live here?! I know he doesn't live in the building because he had told me over the phone that he lives just over the river in Saco. So if he is hardly ever there, how would he know how often the music is that loud? So that was a no!
Then, I went to look at another apartment (among several others) and the lady told me upon entering the last bedroom "Now normally we ask our tenants not to put furniture on this half of the room because of the weight. So, you could use this as like a walking side of the room, and then have the furniture there." When I asked her why, she said that there was rot under the carpet and they were planning to fix it next summer. This summer they were going to try to fix the heaters, and then the following summer after fixing the rot, they were gonna put a new roof on cause theirs was leaking.
Ugh!?! So really? This is what I am forced to look through and determine which one will work? There were others equally tragic. Some that had a washer and dryer on both sides of a stove, one apartment had room in the kitchen for the W/D but not for a kitchen table. ???? What?!?!
Saturday comes, and I had one apartment left to look at this week. It was in Portland, and I was a little nervous about the drive. But when we got there, the neighborhood was beautiful, the lawns were all nice, the buildings were pretty well maintained, and it was very quiet. We got to the front office, met the lady, and took a tour of the model home. The model home had a lot of the same furniture that I do, so it was very easy to "see" our things there. I loved the house. It was a duplex, and I felt like it could work. I signed all the papers, my credit was approved, and I put down a deposit to hold it.
When I got home, and calculated how many miles I would drive a week and multiplied that by 20 days per month. It blew my mind when I calculated the cost of the gas. And that was IF the prices stayed the same, which we all know is ludicrous. Then I added in the cost of the tolls if I took I-95. Then, I added the cost of the utilities, and the cost of everything else...and I came to one conclusion...I.just.can't.do.it.
I am now emotionally spent, tired and frustrated that I can't seem to find a clean, affordable apartment that will allow a small dog. I am not trying to be picky, but I have only seen two apartments that are clean, and neither one was affordable! :(
I know rent prices are high right now because the stupid people collecting rent know that lots of previous homeowners have lost their homes and are in need of a place to rent. BUT...the apartments are either low-income or above average pay range. It is the average Joe, middle man who is getting screwed. And then on top of all this...to try and do this on one income is near impossible.
So my conclusion for now, is to stay where we are. Which is a blessing because I have amazing "landlords" who love me and my kids. I know they do, because I have known them since I, myself was in diapers. I AM blessed...I know I am, but I was really just hoping to move closer to Biddeford, so that I wouldn't have to spend so much time driving everywhere.
Oh well...so onto the second thing that really cut me deep this past week. I had a good friend of mine ask me online if I would be interested in "flirting" online if one could call it that. He propositioned a no strings fun fling, as if it would never do any harm to anyone else. This person is married, and I know that I was once in her shoes. I was at home clueless that my now ex was writing to people online asking for favors via the web. I was humiliated, and ashamed that he would even think that I would be willing to do that, let alone with a married man. I vowed to myself a long time ago, to never be "the other woman" to anyone, EVER! Now I am stuck in this rock and a hard place because I love his wife like my own sister. I feel obligated to tell her. I love him like a brother, so I feel obligated to keep it to myself. I mean if it were me, I'd want to know. But, I also don't want the burden of ruining a marriage. Not cool...not cool at all :(
I felt so dirty, and ashamed. It was like someone punched me right square in my gut, and took every breath out of me. I felt like I was not valuable enough for a man to ever feel something for me. That all these men want to do is use me one way or another. What kind of person allows themselves to make another person feel that way, and then go on and act like nothing happened. Like "I was just joking around!" when they so clearly were not.
When will a man, a real man...ever find value in my heart before my eyes or anything else? I am tired of petty comments about how I might look, or how I might appear to someone. I get it...I have pretty eyes, but there is SO much more to me. I have dreams, hopes, plans, fears, insecurities, etc. Tired of being just another girl someone once knew or whatever. I am ready to find someone willing to get to know the real me, and become my friend forever.
I deserve that, this much I know is true...but just because it is true, doesn't mean it will be happen. I can only hope and pray that time will reveal to me a heart that's pure and gentle and is willing to know me to the deepest and most personal levels.
The week started off on a natural high like no other. I won't divulge any details because it is private still. In time, more details will modestly be provided...but for now, just know that Monday was not a typical one. It was the best day of last week.
As the week progressed, and my hunt for an apartment labored on, things began to go from bad, to worse, to pathetic. On top of the hunt for a home...I was highly insulted by a person I have been very close to for a very long time.
So as I have been hunting for a nice place to hang our hats, I have seen quite a bit more than I care to, and I have heard some pretty sketchy remarks about these different places. One house I visited, I could hear the music from two floors down blaring loud enough to reach the third floor. The landlord stated "It's not normally like this." I thought...yeah, cause YOU live here?! I know he doesn't live in the building because he had told me over the phone that he lives just over the river in Saco. So if he is hardly ever there, how would he know how often the music is that loud? So that was a no!
Then, I went to look at another apartment (among several others) and the lady told me upon entering the last bedroom "Now normally we ask our tenants not to put furniture on this half of the room because of the weight. So, you could use this as like a walking side of the room, and then have the furniture there." When I asked her why, she said that there was rot under the carpet and they were planning to fix it next summer. This summer they were going to try to fix the heaters, and then the following summer after fixing the rot, they were gonna put a new roof on cause theirs was leaking.
Ugh!?! So really? This is what I am forced to look through and determine which one will work? There were others equally tragic. Some that had a washer and dryer on both sides of a stove, one apartment had room in the kitchen for the W/D but not for a kitchen table. ???? What?!?!
Saturday comes, and I had one apartment left to look at this week. It was in Portland, and I was a little nervous about the drive. But when we got there, the neighborhood was beautiful, the lawns were all nice, the buildings were pretty well maintained, and it was very quiet. We got to the front office, met the lady, and took a tour of the model home. The model home had a lot of the same furniture that I do, so it was very easy to "see" our things there. I loved the house. It was a duplex, and I felt like it could work. I signed all the papers, my credit was approved, and I put down a deposit to hold it.
When I got home, and calculated how many miles I would drive a week and multiplied that by 20 days per month. It blew my mind when I calculated the cost of the gas. And that was IF the prices stayed the same, which we all know is ludicrous. Then I added in the cost of the tolls if I took I-95. Then, I added the cost of the utilities, and the cost of everything else...and I came to one conclusion...I.just.can't.do.it.
I am now emotionally spent, tired and frustrated that I can't seem to find a clean, affordable apartment that will allow a small dog. I am not trying to be picky, but I have only seen two apartments that are clean, and neither one was affordable! :(
I know rent prices are high right now because the stupid people collecting rent know that lots of previous homeowners have lost their homes and are in need of a place to rent. BUT...the apartments are either low-income or above average pay range. It is the average Joe, middle man who is getting screwed. And then on top of all this...to try and do this on one income is near impossible.
So my conclusion for now, is to stay where we are. Which is a blessing because I have amazing "landlords" who love me and my kids. I know they do, because I have known them since I, myself was in diapers. I AM blessed...I know I am, but I was really just hoping to move closer to Biddeford, so that I wouldn't have to spend so much time driving everywhere.
Oh well...so onto the second thing that really cut me deep this past week. I had a good friend of mine ask me online if I would be interested in "flirting" online if one could call it that. He propositioned a no strings fun fling, as if it would never do any harm to anyone else. This person is married, and I know that I was once in her shoes. I was at home clueless that my now ex was writing to people online asking for favors via the web. I was humiliated, and ashamed that he would even think that I would be willing to do that, let alone with a married man. I vowed to myself a long time ago, to never be "the other woman" to anyone, EVER! Now I am stuck in this rock and a hard place because I love his wife like my own sister. I feel obligated to tell her. I love him like a brother, so I feel obligated to keep it to myself. I mean if it were me, I'd want to know. But, I also don't want the burden of ruining a marriage. Not cool...not cool at all :(
I felt so dirty, and ashamed. It was like someone punched me right square in my gut, and took every breath out of me. I felt like I was not valuable enough for a man to ever feel something for me. That all these men want to do is use me one way or another. What kind of person allows themselves to make another person feel that way, and then go on and act like nothing happened. Like "I was just joking around!" when they so clearly were not.
When will a man, a real man...ever find value in my heart before my eyes or anything else? I am tired of petty comments about how I might look, or how I might appear to someone. I get it...I have pretty eyes, but there is SO much more to me. I have dreams, hopes, plans, fears, insecurities, etc. Tired of being just another girl someone once knew or whatever. I am ready to find someone willing to get to know the real me, and become my friend forever.
I deserve that, this much I know is true...but just because it is true, doesn't mean it will be happen. I can only hope and pray that time will reveal to me a heart that's pure and gentle and is willing to know me to the deepest and most personal levels.
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